as days go by

Everytime when i think that i might be over it
something shows me that i am not
everytime when i think that we moved on
i find out that maybe only me is trying to
but did you ever really ?
why you do the same everytime
and how you can expect me not to be sad
when you give me every single reason to be
every single right to be mad
but you keep going in the same circles
i warned you about
and i keep going in the same circles
i forbid myself of
but how can i ?
you don’t leave someone just because it’s hard
you try harder
but what if in the end you end up being the only one who tries ..?

after all
i ended up thinking that, it happenned to make us stronger
but did it really?
i ended with broken heart
and you act as if nothing ever happenned at all
then i started to think that after everything we might be stronger
but are we?

24th. January

našiel si v mojich očiach to čo si hľadal?
povedali ti snáď viac ako moje pery mohli nechať uniknúť
videl si v mojich lícach vryté všetky slzy, ktoré nimi stiekli?
pálil ťa ten pohľad aspoň spolovice tak ako mňa ich neustávajúci prúd
ukázali ti moje ústa, pery ktoré boli ukrátené o tisíc úsmevov lebo si ich o ne pripravil?
či si sa našiel v odvrátenom pohľade ktorý maskoval nevypovedané
a kvapky vriacej vody hľadajúce si cestu von
pochopil si tú bolesť ktorú skrýva rozvrátené vnútro, keď som ich nevedela zastaviť?
srdce si nevyberie iba pukne
a to čo hlava dávno tuší ono poprie aj keď to už vidí.
videl si za masku? našiel si tam ten tlejúci oheň?
horiaci v pozadí starých citov a spomienok
sníval si niekedy sen ktorý ťa donútil vstať uprostred noci
a plakať?

nothing ever change

i'm saying all the things i wanted to say
you don't have enough money to pay
for all the things you did to me
after all i don't even care anymore
because it is no longer important
i heard today one thing
that lingered in my mind for way too long
you forgive when you really love
but
stay, only if you see change
but what if there is no change?
then you should leave
you should never stay at any place where you are not appreciated
he said
and in that very first moment it hit me
were i ever appreciated by you?
what am I to you?
i'm just a trophy
you like to have me
by your side
you like to present yourself with me
but do you even know my soul?
did you ever cared enough to ?

i wish

i wish i never met you
but it is little too late
i thought that i could take it all
all the stones in our way
i would jump over them
but i've never expected
that you would be there standing as well
throwing stones under our steps
and even after that i tried
tried so hard that i left my heart bleeding there
to save us
somehow it seemed it was not enough
for you, at least
nothing has ever changed
you said
you promised
you even begged
that you will change
but did you really?
you just found another excuse
for you to be you
but not the one i fell for
the one i will fall out for
can't you see?
that with every broken promise
every lie
and oh god, every fucking single tear you are loosing?
not the game, of course
you already won the war
but me.
you are losing me.
with every piece of my heart that you break
you are closer
i wonder..
do you even care?

4/14/19

it feels like if i couldnt breathe without you
they say it is just a phase and it will go away as quick as it came
but i dont know if i want it to go
it consumes me and maybe it shouldnt
i dont want to be the only one who is being consumed by the other one
are you going to be there for me wherever i will need you?
are you going to do everything for me or will you just do everything to save yourslef
was it a good move or will i regret it later
am i just blinded by this rainbow you brought to my life when you came?
am I just delusional?

Things I wish I had known or someone had told me sooner

you know that feeling when you can't help yourself
just stare into darkness
not knowing what to do next
sometimes it feels like if you didn't even had the power
to fight anymore
so you think about stopping the battle inside you
because you know
it would kill you eventually if nothing would change
but you know as well
that you would die right in that moment you would give up
so you keep fighting
you keep pushing your own limits
you keep yourself silent
for the very reason you want to give up
you know you can't run away
it always finds you
wherever you go
whatever you do
you are overwhelmed
by the look of his ocean blue eyes
and you keep questioning yourself
and your own selfworth because of him
because someone is not able to see
to see the universe in you
you start to think that there is none
you think you are not enough
just because someone is not able to appreciate how wonderful you are
girl just do not let yourslef burn for people who would not even notice
that you are in flames turned to dust

I'm hanging on you..

am I so hard to love?
or is it just a fear which is blocking it in you
I am well aware of your past
but are u as well?
I've got trust issues
and I need you
to feel the same
cuz I am either all in
or not at all
well you should know that by now
that my heart is purely only yours
and has always been
since the day you first smiled at me
you stole it
and by now
it is all kept by you in your cage
sometimes i wonder if it's real
if you know what I feel
and if you are able of those same feelings as I am
It's way too hard to guess
when you dont speak through words but only by action
I know it's better but sometimes it makes me feel so insecure
like I don't know on what kind of ground I am standing
or even if we are on the same planet right now
I don't want to be the one who gives more, suffers more, loves more
I want it to be equal
in everything
you already broke my heart once
and I am terrified to say it out loud but I would not surrvive any other time..

Never enough

i never really thought about what i wanted in my life
it all came somhow natural and unexpected
when people leave they often leave scars behind
so after some time I made myself a wall
big concrete wall which stood in front of my heart
so no one was suppossed to pass
and my heart would not shatter into  million pieces
again
scars never healed properly
not those made by you
i kept reopennig them to remind me
that once, for a moment you where there
you were mine
year passed and another one did too
so i burried you in my heighest darkest tower
you were never going to be found again
i planted roses all around you
they should keep me away from you
you became a concrete angal in my deepest part of the heart
there was an ocean between us
once again
and I would drown myself dead if i tried to swim
now you can see on my palms
how many times i tried to defeat those torns
just to get to you
but i never won
war inside me
for you

Only now, we know

it didn't happen over-night
it took time, it took years
there was once a path that led to nowhere
so i burned it as you walked away
back in those days i thought it was the last time
and that we would never find the right way again
i locked my heart
well, at least most of the leftovers
and kept you as a dream
hardly, almost never to be fullfilled
bed of roses grew there
where once your smile used to tickle me
and everytime my memory wandered to you
old scars reopened and bleed as new ones
so i set fire, to burn all the pain away
there was nothing left but dust and smoke
when i thought that it was over me
you hit me with lighting in your eyes
there you are
and finally i know, we know
why it took so long
to find
that only in each others arms
we can be whole (again)

after all

all over again
as if nothing has chaneged
eventhough years has passed
but still when i see your eyes
its like I've been sent back in time
and it happenns all over again
but now I know how it ends
you leave
i cry
i get over it
you fall
wrong time
wrong feelings
I would say that someone is laughing up there
but then i look you in the eyes
and i see it
all of my so own feelings
confusion
pain
starvation
passion
and sadness
but most importantly
love
or am I wrong?
only love can hurt like this